Caught Talking to Yourself? Here's What Your Brain Was Doing

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Talking to yourself isn't a sign you're losing it. It's one of the oldest thinking tools you have, and you were using it before you could read. What matters is how you talk to yourself, and one small word changes a lot.

This post is for education, not medical advice. If your self-talk feels harsh most of the time, talking to a mental health professional can help.

Caught in the stairwell

Picture a man in an empty stairwell, two minutes before a big presentation. "Okay. Slow down. You know this. First slide, then the numbers." Then a voice behind him: "Um... who are you talking to?"

Hold on to that line, "You know this." We'll come back to it.

Why it's normal

Psychologists who study self-talk think most of us do it in some form every day. Mostly in silence, inside our heads. Sometimes out loud, when we think nobody's around.

Not everyone hears it the same way. Some people say they think mostly in pictures. A few say they have no inner voice at all.

Where the voice comes from

For most of us, it started out loud. Watch a small child playing alone and you'll often hear them narrate the whole game: what goes where, what went wrong, what to try next.

In the 1930s, the Russian psychologist Lev Vygotsky argued that this narration is the child copying the grown-ups who used to talk them through things. Careful. Slow down. Try it the other way. Over the years, his theory goes, that talk moves inside. It gets quieter and shorter, and it becomes the voice in your head.

The three jobs of your inner voice

It holds things. Repeating "eggs, rice, batteries" down a grocery aisle keeps the list alive until you need it.
It rehearses. Before a hard conversation, you run your lines, then run them again.
It steers. In 2011, researchers pooled 32 studies of athletes taught to talk themselves through a task. On average their performance improved. The boost was biggest on precise, fiddly skills and on things they were still learning.

The one-word switch

Back to the stairwell. He didn't say "I know this." He said "You know this."

In 2014, psychologist Ethan Kross and colleagues at the University of Michigan tested that difference. People about to give a stressful speech thought through their nerves. Some used "I." Others used their own name, or "you."

The second group felt less distressed. Judges rated their speeches better. Afterwards, they spent less time replaying what went wrong.

Why would one word do that? Most of us give far wiser advice to a friend than to ourselves. Researchers have measured that gap. When people looked at their own problem from the outside, as if it belonged to someone else, the gap disappeared. "You" puts you in the coach's seat. "I" keeps you in the middle of the game.

When the voice turns on you

The same voice that coaches you can also attack you. "You idiot. You always do this. Why even try?"

When self-talk gets stuck in that kind of loop, Kross calls it chatter. Research links frequent harsh self-talk with anxiety and depression, though scientists still aren't sure which comes first.

Think about when you actually mutter out loud. Usually you're working something out: a list, a next step, a quick pep talk. The harsh stuff rarely makes a sound. So getting caught talking to yourself is almost never the problem. What you say when nobody can hear is what counts.

Three quick checks

The goal isn't to stop talking to yourself. It's to choose who's doing the talking. Next time you catch that voice, run these:

A step or a verdict? "Breathe, then open the file" is a step. "You're useless" is a verdict. Steps move you forward. Verdicts weigh you down.
"I" or "you"? When the pressure's on, switch to your own name, or "you."
Would you say it to a friend? If you wouldn't, say what you would say to them. Out loud, if that helps.

In the stairwell, he could have gone with "Don't mess this up, idiot." He said "Slow down. You know this." Same head, same voice. One is a critic and one is a coach, and you get to choose which one holds the microphone.

Keep the three checks on your phone. The free guide for this video is on the way. [signup box: email first]

Studies behind this post

Kross, E., et al. (2014). Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: how you do it matters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106(2), 304-324. doi:10.1037/a0035173
Grossmann, I., and Kross, E. (2014). Exploring Solomon's paradox. Psychological Science, 25(8), 1571-1580.
Hatzigeorgiadis, A., et al. (2011). Self-talk and sports performance: a meta-analysis. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 6(4), 348-356.

Tell us on YouTube

Be honest. What's the strangest thing you've caught yourself saying out loud? And which of the three checks will you try this week?

Read next: Why small talk drains you

Build notes (not published)

Chapter timestamps: to fill from voice/words.json at build time.
Thin ice kept honest: Vygotsky is "argued" and "his theory goes"; no inner voice is "a few say"; harsh self-talk and anxiety is a link with direction unknown; the out-loud point is our observation, phrased as "think about when you mutter".
Left out on purpose (as in the script): the "50% faster" claim, Einstein, Tesla and Beyonce anecdotes, "you might be a genius".
Original contributions carried: the out-loud irony; the three checks joining three lines of evidence; the stairwell callback.
KB applied (test): Everybody Writes, spend the most care on the first and last line; the post opens on the answer to "why do I talk to myself" and closes on the stairwell payoff.